Missing Presumed Fed


Susie and I had been gadding about in Sydney for just over a week when things took a sudden turn for the unusual. My day started out as normal with a hi-energy dance workout to the Ghostbusters soundtrack. However, by that evening my description had been circulated to the Sydney police force, I was on the missing persons register and the fuzz were on their way to interview Susie.

Unexpected ain’t it? So what the deuce happened?

The following takes place between 2pm and 12pm:

14:00: Susie and I don our 3D specs and sit down to watch ‘Alice in Wonderland’ at the Imax cinema in Darling Harbour. If you haven’t seen it, imagine Tim Burton making a film version of Alice in Wonderland and you’ll be pretty much spot on.

16:00: The end credits roll and we emerge blinking into the daylight. My bladder sulkily demands immediate attention.

16:03: Successfully visit the Gents without incident. 

16:22: We have a coffee by the harbour. I make a mental note not to blog that we have a coffee by the harbour as this information is irrelevant. I also have a biscuit.

Unbelievably, despite her military bearing Susie has only ever received limited Naval training.


17:00: Susie takes her laptop to an internet cafe to work. She will be watching Lady Gaga perform later that evening so I agree to meet her at 19:00 hrs to take her laptop home before the concert. This gives me two hours to kill.

17:03: Buy a newspaper full of Australian people I have never heard of.

17:03:26: Finish the newspaper and generally stare into space as a thin line of drool forms at the corner of my dangerously sensual mouth.

19:00: Meet Susie and make the pick up as arranged. I instruct her to pass on my very best wishes to Lady Gaga before I head back to our rented flat in Newtown.

19:32: Stop off to buy essential groceries – a bottle of Merlot and a bar of Cadbury’s Caramelo chocolate.

19:33: Pause briefly to congratulate myself on knowing how to live the high life.

19:45: Arrive back at flat and remove wallet from trousal area with the innocent intention of retrieving door key. Discover that aforementioned key is missing.

19:46: Knock on door, hoping flat mate will be in. She is not in.

19:47: Unsuccessfully check wallet again for door key.

19:48: Unsuccessfully check wallet again for door key.

19:49: Unsuccessfully check wallet again for door key.

19:50: Say “nooooooooooooooo” quite loudly. Then repeat it more softly. Then stand looking at wall. More drool forms at the same corner of my scandalously illicit mouth.

19:53: Unsuccessfully check wallet again for door key.

20:00: Calculate that costume changes alone for a Lady Gaga concert will take at least four hours and assume that Susie will be home at around midnight. Decide to venture into Newtown for nourishment.

Lady Gaga sets fire to her piano in protest at being labeled an insatiable attention seeker.


20:15: Scoff burger and fries at a place called Burgerlicious. The meal is burgermediocre at best.

20:37: Consider texting Susie but realise I have no credit. However, there is a $20 minimum top up and we will only be in Oz for a few more days. Even Elton John would consider $20 a bit extravagant for one text (take that Sir Elton John!).

21:00: Visit cinema to watch ‘Shutter Island’. It proves to be an enjoyable romp.

23:15: Film finishes and my bladder begins whining and tugging at my sleeve. I ignore it as that’s the only way it will ever learn.

23:20: Arrive back outside flat. My flatmate (Terri) is looking out of the window. As soon as she sees me she says “David!” (in reference to my name) and dashes away. I feel slightly uneasy.

23:21: Terri opens the front door with an expression of panic and surprise. She immediately says “where have you been? Susie has called the police”. I laugh at this humorous aside. “No really, she has called the police and is on the phone to them right now”. I give another polite chuckle but my heart isn’t really in it.

23:22: I climb the stairs and can hear Susie on the phone. It sounds as if she is talking to the police.

23:23: Terri looks at me with an expression that says “I told you she called the police”. She reinforces this expression by saying “I told you she called the police”.

23:25: Susie finishes chatting to the constabulary and eyes me with a mixture of relief, slight annoyance, a hint of embarrassment and a drizzle of lovely pleasedness. I don’t even have time to point out that pleasedness isn’t a real word before she dashes past saying “the police are downstairs”.

23:27: I follow as Susie hurriedly  gives me the lowdown. It appears she returned to the flat at 23:00 hrs to discover I wasn’t there. Her first thought was that I may have gone to the pub but then she noticed her laptop was missing. An alarm bell started softly clanging at this point as she knew I would have dropped the laptop off first. Terri confirmed that she hadn’t seen me all evening, adding that her ex-boyfriend had once gone missing and it turned out that he had been drugged and held against his will for several days (that was his story and he was bloody well sticking to it). Her advice was to call the police which after some umming and a certain amount of ahhing, Susie did. The Fuzz asked for a description (buff male with the delicate features of a porcelain doll) to circulate and said they’d send a squad car around to pick up a photo cos I sounded like a right dish.

23:29: I take a moment to regret not giving in to my bladder’s earlier demands and consider asking Susie to tell the police to hang on for a bit as I’m nipping to the loo. Decide against it.

23:31: The boys in blue turn out to be two girls in duck-egg grey. We explain the situation amidst some laughter and general jollity. All four of us get along famously and just as I’m about to quip that we really should do this more often, they suddenly turn serious and request an official statement.

23:32: We are led towards the squad car by Cagney and Lacey and for a horrible moment I fear we are being taken ‘downtown’. Instead, they produce a clipboard and we go through exactly the same story as a few moments ago except without the bonhomie.

23:32: Just as I get to the good part about having that biscuit by the harbour, Cagney interrupts and asks about the contents of the stolen bag. This leaves us a little perplexed. Lacey, her partner (simply in an official capacity I imagine but I’m not one to judge) replies that there is no stolen bag. Cagney insists that her report details a stolen bag. Lacey explains that this probably refers to the laptop bag I was carrying when I was reported missing. Cagney looks sharply at me and exclaims “he was missing!?”

23:40: It occurs to me that if I really had been bleeding in a ditch I would almost certainly have had to find my own way home.

23:45: Eventually all confusion is cleared up and we apologise profusely for wasting their time. Both police officers are incredibly gracious, understanding and friendly and bid us a cheery farewell.

23:50: I inform Susie that I am visiting the WC and ask her not to contact the authorities in my absence. 

23:51: Her reply is unfit for a family blog.


4 Responses to “Missing Presumed Fed”

  1. 1 ho

    re: 23:50 – classic

  2. 2 Paul c

    Good story. Would have liked a timecrimes paradox style twist. Maybe you could have returned home to see dave 2 laughing sinisterly through the flat window. Or maybe this is what happened and you were forced to fly back to London and start a new life on the polar opposite of the planet. The end.

  3. 3 davexxxx

    Paul, your idea will form the basis of the screenplay of the day’s events. Martin Landau is onboard.

  4. 4 denny

    enjoyed your story

    Susie, you’re a lucky lady.

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